Why did the chicken cross the road? (To prove to the armadillo it could be done.)
When LBJ died and went to heaven (that's how you know this is
a joke) he refused to go through the pearly gates until the boss
came out and answered a question.... The boss comes out. LBJ says:
"I want to know one thing, and I want to know it right now.
Why wasn't Jesus Christ born a Texan? The world would have been
a much better place if Jesus Christ had been a Texan. God said
(try this with a yiddish accent): "Lyndon, Lyndon, Lyndon.
What can I tell you? Texas was our first choice. But we couldn't find
three wise men or a virgin!"The Houston Oilers.Redneck foreplay: "Get in the truck, bitch!"You're in a room with Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and a rattlesnake.
The good news is that you have your six-shooter at your side. The bad
news is, you only have two shots left. (Busy day.) What do you do?
==> Shoot the lawyer twice. Some things you can't be too sure
of.You know how if you play heavy metal music backwards you get Satanic
messages? You know what you get if you play country western music
backwards? You get your wife back. You get your truck back. You
get your dog back....(If you play pop "Christian" music
backwards you get Amway messages.)"Ross Perot: part mongoose, part Feringy."Ross Perot's wife was upset at his running for President. If he
had won, she would have had to move into a smaller house in a
black neighborhood.Barbara Bush: after the Gulf War known as the "Mother of
all Bushes".George Bush: You gotta say one thing for him: he did make the
world safe for feudalism. (He gave the genocidal fascists a good
run, too.)Oklahoma: a giant mobile home park to attract tornadoes away from
the rest of the country.How do you know if you're a redneck? If your wife's hair-do was
ever destroyed by a ceiling fan. If you notice your family tree
doesn't branch....