Posted by Adam on October 15, 2010 at 10:11:16:
In Reply to: CF questions.... posted by Sonia on October 07, 2010 at 16:32:31:
I'm married now for alomst 4 years, divorced atthe age of 24, engaged to another when I was 27, and had a few other short term relationships...and the "when to tell them about CF" issue was different everytime. I feel the main factors that effect when to talk about it are:
-Are you looking/ready for a "long haul" relationship...with anyone, not necessarily this specific person?
-How healthy are you and how much does your CF routine effect your daily life?
-How old are you and the other person? The older you get the timing of when to talk about it becomes more of a factor.
-How comfortable (not to be mistaken for adoration or attraction) are you with the person when talking about anything...do you communicate well together?
I hate it when people generalize what is okay/accepted on a first, second, third date, etc. If you trust your feelings, then I think anything is okay on any date in the early phases of a relationship. They key is knowing what you want in life and explaining that to the other person and how CF has effected your life goals. It's been fairly easy for me to tell people when I want, because I am healthy and can hide it from anyone as long as I choose to. When I told my wife, I think it was a couple weeks after we'd met. We met up for a quick lunch, and I told her about CF. I gave her the basics about the disease, told her how it effects my day to day routine, and told her that I wanted to talk about it more in depth with her later that night. I made sure to tell her that if she was going to research it online, that 90% of what she reads about it will either be inaccurate, exagerated, very scary, and wouldn't pertain to my specific situation. Fortunately for me, I had age and health on my side...I was 29 and very healthy, so it was easier to convince her that I wasn't going to kick the bucket in the next couple years. The other thing that I had on my side was that we had already had the "do you want kids" conversation...that was first date conversation because she was 35 and had already made up her mind that she was not going to have kids, and I had too. So we met up later that night after I had seen her reaction earlier in the day, and I had a better sense of how to approach the conversation. She had gone online and researched after our lunch date, and she was very glad that I had warned her about that.
So, "kid gloves" is probably a good approach, but just be honest and upfront, and if you're rejected because of it, then that person probably isn't the kind of person you'd want to be with anyway. I've often wondered what I would've done if I was the non-CFer in a new relationship, and you kind of have to sympathize with those people, because it's probably just has hard for them to hear it and digest it all, as it is for you to say it.
Good Luck!
Adam